The Giant Anteater: What a Creature

You may have never considered the overwhelming wonder of the anteater. Lucky for you, today is your day.

The next 300 words will be dedicated to gushing over anteaters. We are not responsible for any adverse reactions you may have to the following photos. 

LOOK AT THESE MOTHERFUCKERS.

what a good boi

bruh

Look at this tongue wow

Maybe you’re thinking: “These things are disgusting!” or “Why is he writing a blog post for class about these monstrosities created by a cruel and unusual God?”

If you are, I present the following evidence as to convince you to love these bois:

• Their principal diet, if you haven’t already guessed, consists of ants and termites. Ants and termites are terrible, terrible creatures. Ants are so incredibly strong, if they were our size, we would be in for a disastrous time worthy of a SyFy Channel “film.” Termites have no redeemable qualities. Both are way too creepy crawly for their own good. The enemy of your enemy is your friend, my friends. 
• The anteater is very long. Male anteaters can be 5.97–7.12 ft long, which is most likely longer than you. Their noses are long. Their tongues are absurdly long. I would imagine that if you don’t appreciate this beautiful longevity, that you are jealous.
• Anteaters carry their offspring on their back, and the offspring blend into their backs, camouflaging them from predators. Ain’t that cute? Don’t you wish we were capable of doing this without a backpack? Once again, you’re probably just jealous.
•  Anteaters are truly bad-ass. There have been several cases in which humans who corner anteaters have met their early demise. Anteaters will fuck you up, and I’m here for it. No L’s are caught.
• Salvador Dali once said of anteaters: “[It] reaches sizes bigger than the horse, possesses enormous ferocity, has exceptional muscle power, is a terrifying animal.” Do you not trust the word of noted surrealist Salvador Dali? Who do you think you are? He had a pet anteater; you don’t. 
• Here’s more pictures of them, to show how cute they are.

mama and child

LOOK AT MY TONGUE

what up

Let us make a list of pros/cons to conclude:

Pros:

• Cute
• Bad-ass
• Long
• Eats parasites
• Salvador Dali approval

Cons: 

• Occasionally murders humans
• ??????

I leave you with my final evidence, a video of a jaguar just chillin’ with an anteater. Have a wonderful week, everyone. The giant anteater can get through anything–and so can you.

10 albums that you may have heard, but I’m recommending them anyway: Part II

“And we back…And we back, and we back, na na na”– Chance the Rapper

We are back for the second and final edition of 10 albums that you may have heard, but I’m recommending them anyway. Maybe you’ll come away with a new favorite album.

Love Me / Love Me Not – Honne

This album is fresh. It came out last month, but I’ve already logged 25 full listens.

The sophomore album from duo Honne may be sad-boi music, but damn, does it do it well. The genre falls somewhere between pop, RnB, hip hop, and white-guy-with-a-guitar-singing-about-love.

The lead vocals are mesmerizing, tinged with the sadness and melancholy that could only come from actual life experience or experienced bullshit. The production works with and juxtaposes the lyrical content, in which occasionally a bass drop brings you out of a lullaby, while other times it lures you into tears, if you’re a crying type of person.

I like it, anyway.

Recommended tracks: I Might, 306, Shrink, Crying Over You

ONEPOINTFIVE – Amine

An album between two albums. A half-album. But better than most real albums.

Amine released this project between full-length albums to remind the fans how good he was.

Well, maybe those weren’t his reasons. No matter, it’s fantastic.

In the first song, Amine lets his listeners know that his music doesn’t always reflect his mood, that despite the apparent perpetual optimism, he is a complex individual. The project is full of these reflections on mental health, relationships, and fame, and it does so through a collection of ABSOLUTE BOPS.

Amine twists modern trap music into his own brand, keeping the hard hitting production while adding true emotion, punchlines, falsetto, musings on people not touching his hair, and the beautiful interludes of Ricky Thompson.

Recommend tracks: Dr. Whoever, Reel It In, Why?, Ratchet Saturn Girl

Bop City 2: TerroRising – Terror Jr. 

How to describe Terror Jr. to the average human being?

I don’t know. Lots and lots of coke.

This is the second EP from the group, and it talks about cocaine a little less than the first, but still more than the average pop song. It is definitely pop music, but it takes a few more risks than one might expect. Lisa’s voice is smooth and often understated, chopped to bits as part of a crisp production that does just enough to create a danceable vibe without utilizing crazy bass drops. And can we talk about the lyrics?

I’ll just give you a few samples: (WARNING, NSFW)

From Caramel—

Oh, welcome to my circus
Another priest without a purpose
Holy Spirit, I can feel it in my cervix
But they wanna shut me down like my pussy’s fucking worthless
Okay, bitch? I don’t know what to say, bitch
If you really care about another man sucking dick
Then you might be gay, bitch

From Death Wish—

I’m pullin’ up, no jump shot
I’m in your mouth like a cumshot

or, from the same song

You’re like my leprechaun prostitute
I keep usin’ and usin’ you
And I’m runnin’ out of fairy dust

It’s probably just them trying to be edgy. But man, it’s always fun to hear radio-friendly production with lyrical content that might upset even the chillest of moms.

Recommend tracks: Caramel, Death Wish, Sweatpants

The Click – AJR

Yes, it’s more pop music. And yes, it’s really, really good. Plus look at the cover art.

Unlike some music of the genre, this album feels supremely honest, for better or for worse. The three brothers that make up AJR started from their living room, and their lyrics and production sound as if they wrote them while having a conversation about life on a couch. The album deals with growing up a main theme, avoiding the trappings of fame, just trying to live a normal life while making the music you love.

The sound on this album is massive. Songs build up from a small source of energy to a throttling breaking point where the bottom drops out and you just dance. It makes you feel young.

And that’s a wonderful feeling.

Oh, and AJR is one of the only artists to sing their high notes with an AH sound instead of an OH, if that helps get you interested.

Recommend tracks: Overture, Weak, Come Hang Out

Off to the Races – Jukebox the Ghost 

Last but not least, the most recent album from veteran band Jukebox the Ghost.

I don’t even want to describe this one. I just want to give you their music video from Everybody’s Lonely and ask you just to have fun. It’s bombastic, piano-driven, and happy despite the lyrics. And the lead vocalist is from Louisville.

Occasionally they do Queen covers. If ya like that.

Recommend tracks: Everybody’s Lonely, Fred Astaire, Diane

 

I leave you with 10 albums that are pretty cool, in my humble opinion.

I hope you have a wonderful day full of music, joy, and success. Enjoy life as best you can. 

 

Live the Spicy Life

Sitting on the couch.

You feel it. You need it.

Get up.

Walk to the kitchen.

Open the refrigerator.

Pick one.

Unscrew the lid.

Fill the cap.

Drain it.

(pause)

            Success. 

Congratulations. You are officially a hot sauce enthusiast, or, as Hot Ones host Sean Evans would put it, a “spice lord”.

Hot sauce, while supposedly just a condiment, constitutes a way of life for those of us who indulge. By the end of the week, I will have 30 hot sauces in the fridge.

Secret Aardvark Collection of Sauces

I can give a decent estimate of what these cost. I have won 4 of them and were gifted 5–those were all free. The other 21 sauces I have bought either at Kroger, the Douglass Loop Farmer’s Market, or online at heathotsauce.com. Each sauce costs somewhere between 5 and 9 dollars, so we will estimate at a reasonable $7 a pop, plus 3 shipping fees of $5.99 each when ordering online.

 

 

In which case, I have spent roughly $165 on hot sauce. That’s crazy behavior, of course, but what can ya say? People have hobbies. I’ll give you the run down of mine.

Hot sauce is generally made using two ingredients: 1) some form of vinegar and 2) a pepper. Generally, you then add spices, fruits, salt, etc. They come in a variety of flavors, including pineapple, cumin, all-spice–whatever your favorite flavor, a hot sauce uses it.

Of course, the spicier the pepper you include, the spicier the sauce, with few exceptions. This is because of the levels of capsaicin in each pepper. Capsaicin is the chemical in chili plants that makes them spicy. (Some sauces use Capsaicin extract, which makes them infinitely spicier while boasting less-spicy peppers).

Peppers and sauces are rated by the Scoville Scale, which, despite the fact that spiciness varies from person to person, does a decent job in facilitating comparison. For instance, a bell pepper has a Scoville rating of 0-100  compared to a jalapeno’s rating of 2,500 to 8,000, while neither is comparable to the Carolina Reaper at 1,641,000 – 2,200,000.

A Carolina Reaper is 440 times hotter than a jalapeno paper. They are generally not fun to eat.

The Carolina Reaper

While some hot sauce enthusiasts attempt to assert their masculinity by “enjoying” sauces that sacrifice flavor for heat, I don’t. I generally stay under 70,000 Scoville, and I’m most comfortable around 30,000.

Below, I’ll give you three suggestions on sauces to try if you like spice, but have only ever had Tabasco and Sriracha. It’s an eye opening experience.

Warn your wallet.

1. Dirty Dick’s Hot Sauce sits at a medium on my pallet. It has sweet flavors of banana and pineapple, with a barbecue-like twist into the spice. Goes excellent on chicken, or just on your finger.
2. Queen Majesty’s Scotch Bonnet and Ginger Sauce is my partner’s favorite sauce, and the name doesn’t lie. It’s on the low end of the scale, and tastes excellent on Asian-inspired dishes.
3. Secret Aardvark’s Serrabanero Sauce delivers on the promise of every Secret Aardvark sauce so far. It’s my favorite green sauce, and delivers when used on Mexican food or pizza. Finding a green sauce is difficult for me, since I don’t like jalapeno flavors. This one packs a medium punch, and is hard to put down.

Have a spicy rest of your day, folks.

10 albums that you may have heard, but I’m recommending them anyway: Part I

Hello readership.

Today, I’m going to give you a few music suggestions, Buzzfeed style. You’ve probably heard these. That’s fine. I like them so much that I’m going to tell you anyway.

Here we go.

Aim and Ignite – Fun.

The first full length album from Nate Ruess, Jack Antonoff, and Andrew Dost. You probably know them from We Are Young or Some Nights, but hear me out.

This album is better.

It’s a bright and dramatic pop album, ringing with horns and guitars. Ruess’s voice recalls nostalgia for an event you didn’t experience. It’s happy, romantic, recoiling against past projects. And in our opinion?

This is one of the best pop albums of all time.

Recommended tracks: At Least I’m Not As Sad, Be Calm, The Gambler

Blkswn – Smino 

It’s another debut album, but a little more recent. If you haven’t heard about Smino, you haven’t heard the future.

Smino’s soulful mix of hip hop and RnB provides the perfect soundtrack to your Saturday night evening or your chill Sunday morning.

He has perhaps the most versatile voice of any rapper of the past 5 years, and it shows when we bounce back and forth between dreams and parties.

Get in on Smino while he’s still unknown, and thank me in a few years.

Recommended tracks: Anita, Wild Irish Roses, B Role, Amphetamine

WWW. – Towkio

Towkio literally went to the atmosphere to promote this album. No joke.

Released earlier this year, Towkio provides his listener with a steady mix of bravado and introspection. He brings to mind the exploration of regions unknown.

Towkio’s voice resonates with charisma, his flow bordering on the most–and forgive me for using this word–swaggerific I have ever heard.

I would let Towkio pick me up in the club.

And that’s saying something, because I hate the club.

Recommended tracks: Symphony, Loose, Morning View, Disco

Unusual – Marian Hill

Here we move to a genre I cannot quite describe other than well…unusual? Sexy?

I’m not sure.

This is the second LP from Marian Hill, the pair making electro-pop music with jazz, RnB, and hip hop influences.

Samantha’s vocals are sensual over the bass-heavy, eerie production and vocal chopping from Jeremy.

It’ll make you wanna dance, whether that be by yourself in the dark, or with someone else that you’re not-quite-sure-whether-you-have-feelings-for.

The lyrics largely target past, failed lovers, and new ones that show a bit more promise.

If you don’t bop to this album, I don’t want to be your friend.

Recommended tracks: Differently, Don’t Do It, Listening, Go Quietly

Telefone – Noname

How can an album be so simultaneously bubbly and immensely saddening? Whatever the secret is, Noname hasn’t told anyone else. 

The mixtape (yes, I said albums before–fight me) reminds me of a cool morning on the porch. Maybe its before church. Maybe you don’t go to church. Maybe you smoke, thinking about what the future might hold. 

Her voice is gentle. Her flow is often deliberately off beat–the production conforms to her. Don’t get me started on lyrical content. You think all hip hop is trash?

First of all, you’re wrong. Need proof?

Listen to this album. It’s poetry. No exaggeration.

Recommended tracks: Sunny Duet, Diddy Bop, Forever, Shadow Man

 

Check back soon for the rest of your recommendations.

I promise the second half is just as good as the first. 

First person to listen to listen to all five albums and write me their reviews gets a coffee on me.