pumpkins

Pumpkins. The spirit of the season, the light of our lives. Their flesh is cut to bend to our desires, their innards taken to garbage cans around our neighborhoods. And ya know what?

They fucking deserve it.

Fuck pumpkins.

This complaint is about one thing, and one thing only.

Stop putting pumpkin in normal desserts. 

Pumpkin-based desserts are not to be blamed.

Pumpkin pie? Fine. It’s disgusting, but the average citizen has the right to gorge themselves as they please.

Pumpkin-spice lattes? Fine. It doesn’t have real pumpkin in it, but whatever. Drink away in joy, oh dear associates.

Stop putting pumpkin in chocolate chip cookies. Stop putting pumpkin in loaves of bread. Ya know what’re good by themselves? Cookies. Bread. 

Nothing has been more disappoint than biting into a chocolate chip cookie and tasting pumpkin–that oddly-shaped, weirdly-flavored, orange vegetable that everyone seems to love.

You come into the office. On the table? A loaf of bread. It’s a dark brown with a speckled interior of nuts and seeds. It was baked with love by your coworker. But oh, she included a note. Gotta state the ingredients for all the vegans, and those who have allergies.

Flour

Eggs

Cinnamon

Nutmeg

Pumpkin

 

Wait.

 

what was that? Did you read… pumpkin? Why is this in the ingredient list? What role could it have in the deliciousness?

You ignore it. You can do this. You can get through it, for the sake of the bread. For the sake of your coworker. FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR OWN LIFE.

You pick up the bread. It’s perfectly sliced. You lift it to your tongue. Only the tip touches it as first, but then you stuff the ENTIRE slice in your mouth. You feel it around, you evaluate its nooks and crannies. You look up. A single tear rolls down your cheek.

You collapse onto the floor. Alas, you have died. Thanks a lot, pumpkin lovers.

Here are some things you can do with pumpkins that won’t murder your coworkers:

• Smash pumpkins.
• Listen to The Smashing Pumpkins.
• Steal your neighbor’s pumpkin and put it on your porch, to establish dominance.
• Smash a pumpkin in a friend’s garden, so that they have a wonderful pumpkin surprise next year!
• Throw a hollowed-out pumpkin on your head and do that dancing-pumpkin-guy dance.
• Pretend you don’t know what pumpkins are when your friends ask.
• Role play as a pumpkin to truly understand their nefarious point-of-view
• And most of all, do not put pumpkin in fucking chocolate chip cookies. 

 

 

This has been a public service announcement from the Coalition Against Pumpkin Desserts.