Happiness?

Being the last individually-written blog post of the semester, the author of this blog would like to tone it down a bit from their normal vitriol and constant complaining.

Perhaps, and just perhaps, the world could do with a little happiness. 

It’s difficult to be happy, the author reassures. The world often conspires against the best of people for no reason at all. 

Nevertheless, we persist. 

Sometimes, we can just enjoy the moment. 

You get off of a long day and step outside to falling leaves & your favorite song. Maybe the saxophone solo kicks in. Maybe its an 808, but an out-of-tune piano. Maybe you listen to Paleolithic Death Techno. That’s chill. You’re happy. 

You drive home, pull up to the garage and your dog greets you at the door. Maybe you don’t have a dog. Maybe you have a cat who barely acknowledges your existence, and when you come to the door, it looks at you out of the corner of its eye from the next room over. You smile. You’re happy. 

Maybe driving makes you happy, maybe its walking. Perhaps its watching Gossip Girl on the couch alone, perhaps its playing a show at your favorite dive bar with your dumbass, goofy friends. You could love working, or you could never want to work again. Whatever makes you happy. 

The author of this post is not pleading for you to be happy all the time. If they were being completely honest with themselves, it’s probably not all that healthy. 

They would advise you simply enjoy the happy moments you have. It’s not a particularly new idea; Keats has the author of this post beat by several hundred years.

You probably deserve it. Unless you’re a racist. But you’re probably not. 

Probably. 

You deserve happiness. Have a glass of wine. Treat yo self. Hug your dog despite its sad eyes wishing you not to.

If ya ever need a pick-me-up, HTAOTPU (hit the author of this post up). They may not be the best shoulder to cry on, but they will provide some sick-ass music suggestions and maybe even a pizza.

Here’s a cat and a wonderful, wonderful human being. 
Much love to everyone.  

Happiness in a Single Photo

(Fuck Chris Brown)

Why do artists continue asking Chris Brown to be a part of their artistry?

If you were not aware, Chris Brown is a piece of shit. If you need evidence, the author of this blog post would point you toward the police report in his assault on Pop Icon and Globally-Acknowledged Wonderful Human-Being Rihanna.

This being acknowledged, why does he keep appearing on songs? Have the artists collaborating with him not heard of the case, do they (foolishly) not believe any of the evidence piled against him, or do they (misogynistically) not give a shit about the abuse he inflicted on Rihanna?

Ty Dolla $ign and Jeremih have him on a song. Lil Dicky made a song with him. Tory Lanez has a song with him. Ella Mai has a song with him. These are all from the past two years. 

What are you all doing? Choose literally anyone else.

Literally.

Ice JJ Fish would be a better choice to make, and he’s terrible.

How about a decent R&B artist? Maybe someone like Anderson Paak? DeAngelo? Bryson Tiller?

Hell, Future can’t sing, but he should be singing on more features than Chris Brown.

What these artists are doing by featuring him is putting audiences in a dilemma. If the song is good, but it has Chris Brown in it, do you turn the song off or keep listening? When you hear his voice, do you croon or do you think of the words:

“Brown did not know what she did with the key and began punching her in the face and
arms. He then placed her in a head lock positioning the front of her throat between his
bicep and forearm. Brown began applying pressure to Robyn F.’s left and right carotid
arteries, causing her to be unable to breathe and she began to lose consciousness.”

Artists should not be putting audiences in these situations. Large debates exist on the nature of the art vs the artist, and this blog does not attempt to answer such questions. Instead, why can’t audiences go through Spotify without coming into contact with abusers featuring alongside their favorite artists?

Let audiences make their choices, but give them definitively less choices to make. Music should not involve the audience making morality decisions, only about what they find appealing. Let the audience chill–and take the abuser out of the equation.

Oh, and if you still like Chris Brown in 2018, fuck you.

(Have a lovely day, everyone)

The Library–Kinda Cool. Ish. Maybe.

You most likely do not use our library to its fullest capacity. And that’s okay.

But let’s fix it anyway.

Ekstrom Library is your main library on UofL’s campus. You might be thinking, “That building looks so old, boring, and smelly. Why would I ever go in there?” It’s actually only two of those things–it generally smells quite normal.

Jokes aside, here’s what you can do at Ekstrom Library:

• The Front Desk has a TON of things you can check out, including phone chargers, laptop chargers, laptops, iPads, calculators and–get this–books. We would also be more than willing to let you use a stapler, tape, highlighters, pens, post-its, band-aids, hand-sanitizer, paper clips, white-out. Ya know, all those supplies you don’t have to buy.
• The Front Desk will also answer any question you have, and will document all those questions in a system online! That means whether you ask where the bathroom is or how you should proceed in your troubled marriage, we will answer and will have to put it in our system. Your marriage problems will be preserved for future use!
• The Writing Center will help you with any stage of your writing process, whether you need help coming up with an argumentative idea for your English 102, or whether you want to look at a chapter in your 700-page fantasy novel. Side note: while they will look at your wedding vows, the tour guides are bullshitting you when they tell that story.
• The Research, Assistance, and Instruction office has all of the lovely librarians in it, as well as several students, including the author of this very blog, who will help you formulate key words and search for research material. Super useful if Google Scholar and JSTOR are the only databases you’ve heard of.
• The Digital Media Suite has cameras, USB drives, lighting equipment, and a bunch of other technology stuff for you to check out! They would be more than excited to help you make a video, edit sound, manipulate pictures of your coworkers to make them have mustaches…Ya know. All the normal stuff.
• The One Button Studio is available for you to create your own videos with green screen technology and more. & it’s all free.
• The Archives and Special Collections will you help you look at super old things! And you can touch them even!
• A Helluva lot of Computers and Printers for all your homework-printing needs.
• Starbucks. You have a caffeine addiction. Deal with it.

There’s a bunch more things that we could include in this list, but we’ve running out of space, and frankly, you have all you need to know.

The library is cool. Use it.

pumpkins

Pumpkins. The spirit of the season, the light of our lives. Their flesh is cut to bend to our desires, their innards taken to garbage cans around our neighborhoods. And ya know what?

They fucking deserve it.

Fuck pumpkins.

This complaint is about one thing, and one thing only.

Stop putting pumpkin in normal desserts. 

Pumpkin-based desserts are not to be blamed.

Pumpkin pie? Fine. It’s disgusting, but the average citizen has the right to gorge themselves as they please.

Pumpkin-spice lattes? Fine. It doesn’t have real pumpkin in it, but whatever. Drink away in joy, oh dear associates.

Stop putting pumpkin in chocolate chip cookies. Stop putting pumpkin in loaves of bread. Ya know what’re good by themselves? Cookies. Bread. 

Nothing has been more disappoint than biting into a chocolate chip cookie and tasting pumpkin–that oddly-shaped, weirdly-flavored, orange vegetable that everyone seems to love.

You come into the office. On the table? A loaf of bread. It’s a dark brown with a speckled interior of nuts and seeds. It was baked with love by your coworker. But oh, she included a note. Gotta state the ingredients for all the vegans, and those who have allergies.

Flour

Eggs

Cinnamon

Nutmeg

Pumpkin

 

Wait.

 

what was that? Did you read… pumpkin? Why is this in the ingredient list? What role could it have in the deliciousness?

You ignore it. You can do this. You can get through it, for the sake of the bread. For the sake of your coworker. FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR OWN LIFE.

You pick up the bread. It’s perfectly sliced. You lift it to your tongue. Only the tip touches it as first, but then you stuff the ENTIRE slice in your mouth. You feel it around, you evaluate its nooks and crannies. You look up. A single tear rolls down your cheek.

You collapse onto the floor. Alas, you have died. Thanks a lot, pumpkin lovers.

Here are some things you can do with pumpkins that won’t murder your coworkers:

• Smash pumpkins.
• Listen to The Smashing Pumpkins.
• Steal your neighbor’s pumpkin and put it on your porch, to establish dominance.
• Smash a pumpkin in a friend’s garden, so that they have a wonderful pumpkin surprise next year!
• Throw a hollowed-out pumpkin on your head and do that dancing-pumpkin-guy dance.
• Pretend you don’t know what pumpkins are when your friends ask.
• Role play as a pumpkin to truly understand their nefarious point-of-view
• And most of all, do not put pumpkin in fucking chocolate chip cookies. 

 

 

This has been a public service announcement from the Coalition Against Pumpkin Desserts.   

Vegan Restaurants: Calm Down

Let me just acknowledge before I officially begin this post that while I do still eat meat, I admire the commitment and mindset of vegans and vegetarians in their quest to help the environment.

That being said, we have to talk about vegan restaurants.

Why do they insist on being so extra? Every exclusively vegan restaurant I have encountered has included at least two of the following list of things:

• Neon lights
• Use of things that are not plates as plates
• Fake meat puns
• Immaculately clean venues
• Hyper-social consciousness, often displayed on walls through terrible art
• sUpEr HiP wORkeRs
• $4 side dishes

Morel’s Cafe

Some of these tropes are not bad. I’m not angry that restaurants are clean, and I sure do love a pun, but why are all of them like this?

Where’s the grease? Where’s the mildly terrible service? How about normal lighting, where you can see the acne scars on each other’s faces?

Why have I never encountered a vegan restaurant that has a reputation for shady food, or for the workers smoking weed in the back office? WHERE IS THE TACO BELL OF VEGAN PLACES? WHERE IS THE WAFFLE HOUSE OF VEGAN PLACES, THE RAISIN’ CANES CHICKEN, OR EVEN THE SHONEY’S OF VEGAN PLACES?

At least in Kentucky, they don’t exist. Have to make sure everyone knows you serve vegan food through your aesthetic, eh?

Why can’t they be more like Barry’s Cheese Steaks?

Barry’s outdoor sign is just a picture of a cheese steak, with an emoji beside it exclaiming “Oh Yes!”

Barry’s Cheese Steaks

The parking lot for Barry’s? Gravel.

They have a white interior, with Pittsburgh Steelers merchandise and handmaid Jesus signs everywhere. You will wait at least 30 minutes before you food is ready. You may have to stand for a second while they wipe away the counter. And man, its delicious.

One day, the vegan restaurant will get to that level of casual, where you can enter the shop and not even know its vegan food until you look at the menu. And that’s what they should aspire to. I firmly believe that not eating meat is the way forward, and that the future is fake, but you won’t be able to convince the general public until the neon lights are gone, and they can eat without feeling lame for not wearing a cardigan.

One day, they’ll be normal. But for now?

Order take-out.

Managing Your Time: DO’s and DONT’s

This week, we’re going for a bit of a meta route, in which case I am writing about time management for your stressful week.

Why, you might ask? Note that this blog is being posted on Wednesday, and my posts are normally posted by Monday. Mhm.

Maybe I shouldn’t be the one offering advice. Alas, here we go.

The DO’s

• Create a list of all the things you need to accomplish! Make sure you note the page-lengths of all six of your papers that are due in a five-day-span, so that you don’t write four pages, when ya really should’ve written five. 
• Drink lots and lots of water! Getting up to pee every twenty minutes should provide you with enough exercise for you to avoid muscular dystrophy.
• Hang out with your friends! Tests and papers are nothing compared to the friends you made along the way. Besides, maybe they can help you brainstorm while you procrastinate!
• Own a laptop that works! That’s it! All you have to do is own a working laptop. Make sure and save all your files before your laptop inevitably fails during mid-term week.

The DONT’s

• Make sure you don’t waste the week before your stressful week doing illicit substances, like drugs, alcohol, or any generally fun activities! You don’t have time for fun! 
• Definitely do not call your parents. They will want to talk to you all night, and you can’t afford that. You have stuff to do. Block them on social media, ignore their phone calls.
• Don’t NOT have a working laptop. Repeating this one, not at all for personal reasons.
• Absolutely do not contact your professors asking for an extension. They hate that, and will hate you because of it. Turn in a terrible copy over no copy, because leniency is not something you have the privilege of getting.

We hope that some of this advice is useful to you! Maybe some of it is actually good advice–who’s to say?

Definitely not me.

My true advice?

Do your fucking best. If you don’t succeed, whatever. You tried. That’s enough.

The Giant Anteater: What a Creature

You may have never considered the overwhelming wonder of the anteater. Lucky for you, today is your day.

The next 300 words will be dedicated to gushing over anteaters. We are not responsible for any adverse reactions you may have to the following photos. 

LOOK AT THESE MOTHERFUCKERS.

what a good boi

bruh

Look at this tongue wow

Maybe you’re thinking: “These things are disgusting!” or “Why is he writing a blog post for class about these monstrosities created by a cruel and unusual God?”

If you are, I present the following evidence as to convince you to love these bois:

• Their principal diet, if you haven’t already guessed, consists of ants and termites. Ants and termites are terrible, terrible creatures. Ants are so incredibly strong, if they were our size, we would be in for a disastrous time worthy of a SyFy Channel “film.” Termites have no redeemable qualities. Both are way too creepy crawly for their own good. The enemy of your enemy is your friend, my friends. 
• The anteater is very long. Male anteaters can be 5.97–7.12 ft long, which is most likely longer than you. Their noses are long. Their tongues are absurdly long. I would imagine that if you don’t appreciate this beautiful longevity, that you are jealous.
• Anteaters carry their offspring on their back, and the offspring blend into their backs, camouflaging them from predators. Ain’t that cute? Don’t you wish we were capable of doing this without a backpack? Once again, you’re probably just jealous.
•  Anteaters are truly bad-ass. There have been several cases in which humans who corner anteaters have met their early demise. Anteaters will fuck you up, and I’m here for it. No L’s are caught.
• Salvador Dali once said of anteaters: “[It] reaches sizes bigger than the horse, possesses enormous ferocity, has exceptional muscle power, is a terrifying animal.” Do you not trust the word of noted surrealist Salvador Dali? Who do you think you are? He had a pet anteater; you don’t. 
• Here’s more pictures of them, to show how cute they are.

mama and child

LOOK AT MY TONGUE

what up

Let us make a list of pros/cons to conclude:

Pros:

• Cute
• Bad-ass
• Long
• Eats parasites
• Salvador Dali approval

Cons: 

• Occasionally murders humans
• ??????

I leave you with my final evidence, a video of a jaguar just chillin’ with an anteater. Have a wonderful week, everyone. The giant anteater can get through anything–and so can you.

10 albums that you may have heard, but I’m recommending them anyway: Part II

“And we back…And we back, and we back, na na na”– Chance the Rapper

We are back for the second and final edition of 10 albums that you may have heard, but I’m recommending them anyway. Maybe you’ll come away with a new favorite album.

Love Me / Love Me Not – Honne

This album is fresh. It came out last month, but I’ve already logged 25 full listens.

The sophomore album from duo Honne may be sad-boi music, but damn, does it do it well. The genre falls somewhere between pop, RnB, hip hop, and white-guy-with-a-guitar-singing-about-love.

The lead vocals are mesmerizing, tinged with the sadness and melancholy that could only come from actual life experience or experienced bullshit. The production works with and juxtaposes the lyrical content, in which occasionally a bass drop brings you out of a lullaby, while other times it lures you into tears, if you’re a crying type of person.

I like it, anyway.

Recommended tracks: I Might, 306, Shrink, Crying Over You

ONEPOINTFIVE – Amine

An album between two albums. A half-album. But better than most real albums.

Amine released this project between full-length albums to remind the fans how good he was.

Well, maybe those weren’t his reasons. No matter, it’s fantastic.

In the first song, Amine lets his listeners know that his music doesn’t always reflect his mood, that despite the apparent perpetual optimism, he is a complex individual. The project is full of these reflections on mental health, relationships, and fame, and it does so through a collection of ABSOLUTE BOPS.

Amine twists modern trap music into his own brand, keeping the hard hitting production while adding true emotion, punchlines, falsetto, musings on people not touching his hair, and the beautiful interludes of Ricky Thompson.

Recommend tracks: Dr. Whoever, Reel It In, Why?, Ratchet Saturn Girl

Bop City 2: TerroRising – Terror Jr. 

How to describe Terror Jr. to the average human being?

I don’t know. Lots and lots of coke.

This is the second EP from the group, and it talks about cocaine a little less than the first, but still more than the average pop song. It is definitely pop music, but it takes a few more risks than one might expect. Lisa’s voice is smooth and often understated, chopped to bits as part of a crisp production that does just enough to create a danceable vibe without utilizing crazy bass drops. And can we talk about the lyrics?

I’ll just give you a few samples: (WARNING, NSFW)

From Caramel—

Oh, welcome to my circus
Another priest without a purpose
Holy Spirit, I can feel it in my cervix
But they wanna shut me down like my pussy’s fucking worthless
Okay, bitch? I don’t know what to say, bitch
If you really care about another man sucking dick
Then you might be gay, bitch

From Death Wish—

I’m pullin’ up, no jump shot
I’m in your mouth like a cumshot

or, from the same song

You’re like my leprechaun prostitute
I keep usin’ and usin’ you
And I’m runnin’ out of fairy dust

It’s probably just them trying to be edgy. But man, it’s always fun to hear radio-friendly production with lyrical content that might upset even the chillest of moms.

Recommend tracks: Caramel, Death Wish, Sweatpants

The Click – AJR

Yes, it’s more pop music. And yes, it’s really, really good. Plus look at the cover art.

Unlike some music of the genre, this album feels supremely honest, for better or for worse. The three brothers that make up AJR started from their living room, and their lyrics and production sound as if they wrote them while having a conversation about life on a couch. The album deals with growing up a main theme, avoiding the trappings of fame, just trying to live a normal life while making the music you love.

The sound on this album is massive. Songs build up from a small source of energy to a throttling breaking point where the bottom drops out and you just dance. It makes you feel young.

And that’s a wonderful feeling.

Oh, and AJR is one of the only artists to sing their high notes with an AH sound instead of an OH, if that helps get you interested.

Recommend tracks: Overture, Weak, Come Hang Out

Off to the Races – Jukebox the Ghost 

Last but not least, the most recent album from veteran band Jukebox the Ghost.

I don’t even want to describe this one. I just want to give you their music video from Everybody’s Lonely and ask you just to have fun. It’s bombastic, piano-driven, and happy despite the lyrics. And the lead vocalist is from Louisville.

Occasionally they do Queen covers. If ya like that.

Recommend tracks: Everybody’s Lonely, Fred Astaire, Diane

 

I leave you with 10 albums that are pretty cool, in my humble opinion.

I hope you have a wonderful day full of music, joy, and success. Enjoy life as best you can. 

 

Live the Spicy Life

Sitting on the couch.

You feel it. You need it.

Get up.

Walk to the kitchen.

Open the refrigerator.

Pick one.

Unscrew the lid.

Fill the cap.

Drain it.

(pause)

            Success. 

Congratulations. You are officially a hot sauce enthusiast, or, as Hot Ones host Sean Evans would put it, a “spice lord”.

Hot sauce, while supposedly just a condiment, constitutes a way of life for those of us who indulge. By the end of the week, I will have 30 hot sauces in the fridge.

Secret Aardvark Collection of Sauces

I can give a decent estimate of what these cost. I have won 4 of them and were gifted 5–those were all free. The other 21 sauces I have bought either at Kroger, the Douglass Loop Farmer’s Market, or online at heathotsauce.com. Each sauce costs somewhere between 5 and 9 dollars, so we will estimate at a reasonable $7 a pop, plus 3 shipping fees of $5.99 each when ordering online.

 

 

In which case, I have spent roughly $165 on hot sauce. That’s crazy behavior, of course, but what can ya say? People have hobbies. I’ll give you the run down of mine.

Hot sauce is generally made using two ingredients: 1) some form of vinegar and 2) a pepper. Generally, you then add spices, fruits, salt, etc. They come in a variety of flavors, including pineapple, cumin, all-spice–whatever your favorite flavor, a hot sauce uses it.

Of course, the spicier the pepper you include, the spicier the sauce, with few exceptions. This is because of the levels of capsaicin in each pepper. Capsaicin is the chemical in chili plants that makes them spicy. (Some sauces use Capsaicin extract, which makes them infinitely spicier while boasting less-spicy peppers).

Peppers and sauces are rated by the Scoville Scale, which, despite the fact that spiciness varies from person to person, does a decent job in facilitating comparison. For instance, a bell pepper has a Scoville rating of 0-100  compared to a jalapeno’s rating of 2,500 to 8,000, while neither is comparable to the Carolina Reaper at 1,641,000 – 2,200,000.

A Carolina Reaper is 440 times hotter than a jalapeno paper. They are generally not fun to eat.

The Carolina Reaper

While some hot sauce enthusiasts attempt to assert their masculinity by “enjoying” sauces that sacrifice flavor for heat, I don’t. I generally stay under 70,000 Scoville, and I’m most comfortable around 30,000.

Below, I’ll give you three suggestions on sauces to try if you like spice, but have only ever had Tabasco and Sriracha. It’s an eye opening experience.

Warn your wallet.

1. Dirty Dick’s Hot Sauce sits at a medium on my pallet. It has sweet flavors of banana and pineapple, with a barbecue-like twist into the spice. Goes excellent on chicken, or just on your finger.
2. Queen Majesty’s Scotch Bonnet and Ginger Sauce is my partner’s favorite sauce, and the name doesn’t lie. It’s on the low end of the scale, and tastes excellent on Asian-inspired dishes.
3. Secret Aardvark’s Serrabanero Sauce delivers on the promise of every Secret Aardvark sauce so far. It’s my favorite green sauce, and delivers when used on Mexican food or pizza. Finding a green sauce is difficult for me, since I don’t like jalapeno flavors. This one packs a medium punch, and is hard to put down.

Have a spicy rest of your day, folks.

10 albums that you may have heard, but I’m recommending them anyway: Part I

Hello readership.

Today, I’m going to give you a few music suggestions, Buzzfeed style. You’ve probably heard these. That’s fine. I like them so much that I’m going to tell you anyway.

Here we go.

Aim and Ignite – Fun.

The first full length album from Nate Ruess, Jack Antonoff, and Andrew Dost. You probably know them from We Are Young or Some Nights, but hear me out.

This album is better.

It’s a bright and dramatic pop album, ringing with horns and guitars. Ruess’s voice recalls nostalgia for an event you didn’t experience. It’s happy, romantic, recoiling against past projects. And in our opinion?

This is one of the best pop albums of all time.

Recommended tracks: At Least I’m Not As Sad, Be Calm, The Gambler

Blkswn – Smino 

It’s another debut album, but a little more recent. If you haven’t heard about Smino, you haven’t heard the future.

Smino’s soulful mix of hip hop and RnB provides the perfect soundtrack to your Saturday night evening or your chill Sunday morning.

He has perhaps the most versatile voice of any rapper of the past 5 years, and it shows when we bounce back and forth between dreams and parties.

Get in on Smino while he’s still unknown, and thank me in a few years.

Recommended tracks: Anita, Wild Irish Roses, B Role, Amphetamine

WWW. – Towkio

Towkio literally went to the atmosphere to promote this album. No joke.

Released earlier this year, Towkio provides his listener with a steady mix of bravado and introspection. He brings to mind the exploration of regions unknown.

Towkio’s voice resonates with charisma, his flow bordering on the most–and forgive me for using this word–swaggerific I have ever heard.

I would let Towkio pick me up in the club.

And that’s saying something, because I hate the club.

Recommended tracks: Symphony, Loose, Morning View, Disco

Unusual – Marian Hill

Here we move to a genre I cannot quite describe other than well…unusual? Sexy?

I’m not sure.

This is the second LP from Marian Hill, the pair making electro-pop music with jazz, RnB, and hip hop influences.

Samantha’s vocals are sensual over the bass-heavy, eerie production and vocal chopping from Jeremy.

It’ll make you wanna dance, whether that be by yourself in the dark, or with someone else that you’re not-quite-sure-whether-you-have-feelings-for.

The lyrics largely target past, failed lovers, and new ones that show a bit more promise.

If you don’t bop to this album, I don’t want to be your friend.

Recommended tracks: Differently, Don’t Do It, Listening, Go Quietly

Telefone – Noname

How can an album be so simultaneously bubbly and immensely saddening? Whatever the secret is, Noname hasn’t told anyone else. 

The mixtape (yes, I said albums before–fight me) reminds me of a cool morning on the porch. Maybe its before church. Maybe you don’t go to church. Maybe you smoke, thinking about what the future might hold. 

Her voice is gentle. Her flow is often deliberately off beat–the production conforms to her. Don’t get me started on lyrical content. You think all hip hop is trash?

First of all, you’re wrong. Need proof?

Listen to this album. It’s poetry. No exaggeration.

Recommended tracks: Sunny Duet, Diddy Bop, Forever, Shadow Man

 

Check back soon for the rest of your recommendations.

I promise the second half is just as good as the first. 

First person to listen to listen to all five albums and write me their reviews gets a coffee on me.